How to date like a farang

 

 

 

 

Asia is a long and expensive flight away but if you’re struggling to find women at home because you’re a complete loser, the farang (Westerner] in Thailand has much to offer in the way of dating advice.

Rule Number One

Shoot way out of your normal firing range. You’re too good for a model from your own country now. This particularly applies to the balding, overweight, boring and those with drinking problems.

Rule Number Two

Don’t concern yourself if she looks like she might be fifteen. Best not to ask and anyway, fifteen is the age of consent in some parts of the world and we’re all global citizens now.

Rule Number Three

Talk to her in pidgin English. With practice you can become so proficient at this that a fellow native speaker overhearing you  will take you for a foreigner.

Key tips:

• Use as few tenses as possible e.g. Yesterday I go sex bar, you stay home. Tomorrow I go sex bar, you stay home. In fact, just learn this sentence.
• Get rid of all grammar relating to words beginning with P.  So replace unnecessary personal pronouns and do away with prepositions and plurals e.g. Me want massage [with] two girl.
• Like morals, auxilliary verbs are just there to help, they’re not essential e.g. Me [am or is - but who cares?] ugly, you beautiful. Me [have] money, you no. Life very good!

Try converting these sentences to see if you’ve got the hang of it.

• How much is it for one night?
• Do you have any younger sisters?

Rule Number Four

Start by paying for everything on the date and just keep going.

Rule Number Five

Keep a photo of her in your wallet to compete with other men on nights you’ve left her at home rather than draping her round yourself in a bar, ignoring her look of complete revulsion and boredom.  You can also show it to other women and pity them for not being Thai and being unable to attract a catch like you.

Rule Number Six

Justify your lifestyle with arguments as brittle and lode bearing as rice noodles.

“I’m just flowing with the Thai culture. You need to loosen up.”

“Imagine you’ve just spent the night with a guy and you’re paying him and you can tell by the look in his eye that he wants more.” (more than payment, you understand, not more money although funnily enough it works out that way in the end as every baht in her pocket was put there by you.)